REPORT: Survey Finds Over 90% Of College Applicants Are Of Chowanoke Descent

IRVINE― With the chaotic season of college apps coming to an end, one unprecedented demographic report has changed the way historians interpret Native American culture and society. The statistic found that over 90% of college applicants this year are at least partially of Chowanoke descent, shattering the fabrication that virtually every credible historian had previously held about the tribe. Our reporter caught up with one of the dumbfounded scholars at a forum after the news.

“This kind of discovery is simply unheard of. Up until this moment, our best guess was that there were under 2,500 Chowanokes left. However, now we know that there are over 19 million Chowanokes sprawled across the entire contiguous United States”, said historian Jeremy Harriet excitedly. “Statistically speaking, that’s a whopping 7600% more in existence than previously thought. It just boggles my mind that no one caught this sooner”.

A heat map of the data only advanced the conclusions farther towards the fringes of plausibility. It was widely thought that most of the decedents lived in North Carolina, if any were to exist at all. Surprisingly, the highest percentage of Chowanokes appeared to predominately inhabit highly affluent areas like New York, Hunts Point, and La Jolla. One of the high school seniors applying as a Chowanoke living in Los Altos, CA, had this to say about his culture:

“Yeah, even though I look like a white, blue-eyed, blonde european male, I’m actually 71% Chokanoake (sic)“, said the minority student, Liam O’Connor, proudly. “I was looking online and I found out that my twice removed cousin once hooked up with someone in the bathroom at an indian casino, and that pretty much guarantees my heritage”. O’Connor then went on to discuss in great detail his newly found hatred for “white culture”, and how he had been oppressed by society in ways he couldn’t even describe.

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The map above shows where sociologists and historians originally thought the Chowanoke lived, only to be thwarted by undeniable statistics based on national 2016 college application data.

Reporters went back for a follow-up 30 days later to find that O’Connor had been accepted to every single college he applied to, including letters from Stanford, Brown, and more.

-3/31/2016-

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