GameStop’s CEO Trades In Xbox 360 In Futile Attempt To Salvage His Dumpster-Fire Company

GRAPEVINE, TX— GameStop’s founder and CEO Paul Raines was reportedly seen trading in his Xbox 360 into one of the massive video game retailer’s stores, in a futile attempt to keep his dumpster-fire company afloat.

“GameStop is like the Blockbuster of the 2010’s, except with less expired candy”, remarked Joey Martinez, a tech-savvy 12 year-old and avid gamer who was still in the womb when Blockbuster was in existence. “I don’t even think Mr. Raines will get $15 for his Xbox with the current trade-in policies, let alone the remaining $499,999,985 he’s going to have to drum up to even stand a chance at not filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy”.

“You can imagine GameStop nowadays as a gigantic closet filled with thousands of copies of Madden ’09 and a few crusty socks”, Martinez continued. “I can’t speak for all of my friends, but I certainly don’t want to go to a store that I know is trying to fuck me out of all my money as soon as I walk in”.

Many people share a similar sentiment as Martinez, and Mr. Raines is certainly facing an uphill battle against the boom of online gaming and sales in recent years. The company’s stock (NYSE:GME) is down 20% on the year, but it may drop lower given Mr. Raines’ uninspiring actions.

-3/27/2017-

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