Man Who Fled Trump Presidency By Moving To Guam Fucking Pissed

DEDEDO, GUAM— Shortly after President Trump stunned the world and secured the presidency just 7 months ago, Colorado man Paul Barnard made good on his promise to flee the country. This was quite unlike many of his peers who claimed they would leave the states if Trump was indeed sworn in, and was a point of pride for Barnard as he booked his flight to tropical Guam for a 4-year vacation.

However, Barnard is now reportedly fucking pissed on account of the recent tensions between North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jon-un and Donald Trump. North Korea has been frequently testing intercontinental ballistic missiles this year, and many analysts are theorizing that the country could posses a nuclear-capable warhead by late 2018.

After Donald Trump sent a strong message over Twitter warning North Korea about the consequences of their actions, Kim Jong-un retaliated with another threat: “We will not be intimidated by the United States and have 4 missiles trained to disintegrate the U.S. territory called Guam,” he stated on state-sponsored news KCNA.

“I was the one guy that made an active effort to be as far away as possible from this guy, and now I’m going to get my face blown off because Trump can’t stop having a fucking Twitter flamewar with a psychopathic dictator that’s armed to the teeth”, Barnard said candidly upon hearing the news.

“I swear to god if Guam gets bombed and everyone who decided to stay in the United States lives to tell the tale, I’ll see you assholes in hell,” he continued after nervously drinking coconut water on the warm beachfront.

Geopolitical analysts are unsure about the outcome of the debate between Trump and Jong-un, but they have tested evacuation procedures for all residents of Guam in the event that something does spark an attack.

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